I once accidently shoplifted eggs from Safeway 12 years ago... I didn't mean to, I was babysitting and needed to get groceries for the family and placed the eggs into the stroller to carry them because I ran out of room in the basket.... and sure enough, I forgot they were in there.... Out of guilt however, I always donate to those Safeway charities at the checkout and have more than made up for the $4 I owe Safeway... ugh, okay.... now I'm feeling terribly guilty about those eggs again. Hmmm, can you go back and pay for something you accidently took 12 years ago?
Anyways, back to my important irrational fear - Prison. We were at Costco last night, and Derek stumbled upon the DVD's of his past favourite T.V. series - OZ. We watched the first episode and it was enough to scare me straight for the rest of my life.
There are some scary, scary people in prison - and despite my boxing skills, I'm a huge pansy and sissy... I'd be forced to join a gang for protection, and unless there's a Scottish bagpipe pride group - there's no one else for me except the Aryans... I don't want to be an Aryan a) I would like my body to stay swastika free b) my head is too lumpy and misshapen to be bald, and c) I'm 100% against what they philosophically stand for, so we would probably clash there....
Which leads me back to being terrified to commit any sort of crime... Derek was pretty quick to point out that given my moral piety and fear of pointy things, I won't ever be in the situation... but just in case I ever even contemplate it, I now am officially scared straight. Consider myself warned.
Seriously –should I call Safeway? This is now bothering me a lot… what if they read this and send me to prison? Could I buy a dozen eggs (they weren’t free range) from Safeway, and then sneak them back onto the shelf so they can sell them again?
4 comments:
Love the reverse shoplifting idea. I think that would absolve you. :) Also, this is your best post ever. You, girlie, are hilarious.
You are totally cracking me up! Why would you ever have to worry about prison. If the eggs are still bothering you then by all means go to Safeway and tell them your saga and offer to pay. They will probably tell you it is more paperwork then the eggs are worth and then your conscience will be free from guilt. And seriously, prison?! You could always come stay with us.
Now I am beginning to understand why we can never find enough spoons in our cutlery drawer! Be prepared for an airport-style search as you LEAVE after dinner.
Firstly, even if you stole a whole truck load of eggs, they would not send you to jail - community service would be given - anywhere from 1 day to three months. I suggest you immediately look into doing some community service, the senior care homes are crying out for people to do just a little - call me and I can set you up for an interview.
Secondly you could call Safeways and apologize for the 'mistake' and offer to pay.
Thirdly IF you held the bank up at gunpoint and 'accidently' shot someone, you might end up in jail - however I know a very good criminal lawyer, and a good judge, and you would end up with house arrest - now say if you lost all your marbles, kept holding up banks and shooting people - you could end up in prison - however it would be a female prison and you would learn house cleaning, flower arranging and Martha Stewart stuff. Stick to your day jobs.
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